The Way We Grow: Articles

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Gillian Shields 7/2/26 Gillian Shields 7/2/26

3 Simple Morning Habits That Actually Make Me Happier Everyday

No, this isn’t a morning routine. It’s easier and more simple than that.

‍*Be informed, stay growth-centered: This content is not professional therapy or counselling. It is for awareness, education, insight, and growth-forward options. No article can cover every nuance of every situation, and not every article will be personally relevant to everyone. To get the most out of this content, approach it with curiosity and a growth-oriented intention. Consider how it could be helpful to your situation and how you might apply it—similarly or differently—in a way that supports your own healing and growth.*

The morning has always been a vulnerable, sensitive, and powerful time of day for me.

I say this because the first few things I do after waking has a big impact on how I feel and what I do that day. This is true for many of us.

As a person who takes time to fully wake up, the morning can mean feeling a bit disconnected from myself and life. To some, this might feel good, but to me, it can mean heavier emotions.

I need a morning that includes just being in ways that feel good with minimal or zero effort.

Over the years, I’ve observed how my mood has been, and how my days have gone, based on how my morning went. And there are three simple choices that consistently make my day happier, no matter what unfolds.

I don’t call these 3 choices a “morning routine” because that can feel very task-y, which defeats the purpose. And what I do isn’t task-y at all. Instead, I call it my “core morning habits”— a few simple, low effort choices that bring me a slice of what I seek in all my days: peace and joy.

Here they are:

No. 1: Place my awareness on the comfort of my bed as soon as I open my eyes from sleep.

I love my bed. It’s comfy. It’s cozy. It feels nice against my skin. I also love laying down. Taking a few conscious moments to really appreciate my bed and its comfort, and taking a few good breathes, puts an instant smile on my face. It floods gratitude to my mind before I even realize that I am being grateful.

No. 2: Make my coffee.

I know it can seem cliché when people say they love their morning coffee, but I actually love my morning coffee. For me, it’s like keeping the cozy party going once I get out of bed. It feels like home.

No. 3: Enjoy my coffee in a space I love, doing something enjoyable.

I sit with my coffee in my favorite chair (or sometimes back in bed) and do something enjoyable. When I say “do something enjoyable”, I truly mean that. For me, doing something enjoyable can mean reading a book or going online to read or browse on a topic that makes me happy like travel or interior design. Sometimes it’s writing in my gratitude journal or reading a meditation from that journal.

That’s pretty much it! Those are my three core habits. Simple. Easy.

Some mornings I do this for only 15 or 20 minutes. Other mornings for longer, depending on my schedule. But I do do it.

Some days I include exercise and movement in my morning, but I don’t consider it a core morning habit. It can come after my 3 core habits. Although exercise is a foundational part of my life, it can feel like work or a task. Morning choices that make me happier aren’t ones that feel like work or a task. If I don’t do my 3 core habits, there is a noticeable difference in how I relate to my day. I don’t feel like I’ve really taken care of my mind and soul. My daily happiness is most impacted by choices that feel calm and for enjoyment.

Let this be the permission you’ve been seeking to start your day off easier, more simple, and without any “work” or “tasks”.

How might you feel happier if after you opened your eyes from sleep, you made a few choices that were just about calmness and enjoyment for your mind and soul?

I can already feel the exhale.

Gillian Shields 6/5/26 Gillian Shields 6/5/26

Read This If You’re Hurting

When you’re hurting about the past, what someone has done or said, or unmet dreams or goals, you can feel powerless and stuck. But you are not. You can move in healthy ways. This post is short, sweet, simple, and eye-opening.

Feeling hurt sucks.

It’s painful. Even destabilizing.

We can talk about all the ways we tend deal with this—like pushing people away, lashing out on others, assuming negative motives of other people—but let’s not go there. Because right now, we don’t need to.

I have observed something in people who are hurting (including myself) that make moving through it like walking through sludge or quicksand. Something that just keeps the pain going for longer (and sometimes indefinitely).

Here’s what we tend to do when we are deep in feeling pain and hurt:

Believe that we cannot do anything enjoyable or positive.
Not want to do anything enjoyable or positive.

And there lies what exacerbates our distress.

I believe the underlying culprit is believing that if we are hurting, if we are feeling low:

We don’t deserve enjoyment or positivity.
It’s not the right time for enjoyment and positivity.

Yet, it is precisely what we deserve, and precisely the right time.

We give children a lollypop when they’ve gone through pain at the doctor’s office. We hug them when they are crying. We take them out for ice cream when they’ve had a tough day. We surround them in love and light. We try to bring a smile to their face. Because pain and hurt responds well to this. It’s healing.

So why do we overlook it for ourselves?

We aren’t children, but our joy and healing also matters. So much.

We are people with hearts and souls. We deserve to feel better.

You are free to feel better.

WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW

Notice if you are holding back on allowing yourself enjoyment and positivity when you’re hurting.

Is there a part of you thinking that it’s not the right time for it? That you don’t “feel” like it? That it’s not an appropriate move right now or impractical?

Do you instead think you need to focus on work, chores, or other tasks?

Gently notice how you aren’t giving yourself permission to heal through enjoyment and positivity. It’s okay because you can do something different about it now.

How can you step into some enjoyment and positivity even though you’re hurting? What would feel good to you? It’s helpful to ask yourself, “What would I do if I were feeling good today?”

Then go.

Gillian Shields 4/4/26 Gillian Shields 4/4/26

Signs It’s Love (And When It’s Not)

Family members and romantic partners often use love to explain their feelings and actions—but whether these expressions are truly loving or not is another question. Let’s talk about two signs of healthy love vs. distorted love, and what you can do to grow if a relationship is operating from love distortions.

Written by author, transformational teacher, and The Way We Grow creator, Gillian Shields

Love.

Your family, or a current or past romantic partner, has probably used the word with you. Or they’ve told you that what they do and say is because they care, because they love you. And yet you find yourself feeling confused, hurt, restricted, or unloved—because what they do and say doesn’t actually feel like love.

Sometimes we feel unloved because we don’t yet know how to fully receive healthy love. For example, if someone treats you with respect, care, and thoughtfulness, you may struggle to believe it’s real because deep down, you’ve internalized the belief that you are unworthy of love. This is a powerful topic—and one for another article.

Other times, we feel unloved because the person in the relationship truly doesn’t know how to express—or embody—healthy love. When love is unhealthy or warped, there is often a contradiction between words of love and the actual expression of it. Unloving actions get justified as care. Harm gets framed as protection. Control gets explained as concern.

For example:

A family member says you can’t reach a goal—or that you shouldn’t even try—because they “don’t want you to be hurt or disappointed”.
Your family continually pushes you toward a career they want for you, like becoming a doctor or a lawyer, instead of the career path you really want, because “they want you to be successful and financially secure.”
A family member scolds or guilt-trips you about your choice not to attend a family get together, then later says they love you or act friendly as if nothing happened.
A partner says they love you, but cheats or makes fun of your appearance.
A partner calls you names because you went out with friends, but later says it was only because they love you and don’t want to lose you.

One reason why you may not feel loved, empowered, or truly cared for is because the person “loving” you isn’t operating from the true meaning of love. Instead, they could be operating from a false or distorted idea of love that they learned over time.

HOW WE LEARN ABOUT LOVE

Everyone learns about love through their own history. We learn it through how our family and caregivers treated us, what those people modeled, and how love was reflected in our wider social, cultural, or relational environments.

For example:

When love is given conditionally, then people learn that love itself is conditional. This can help explain why someone can act unlovingly when a person doesn’t meet their expectations—or conditions—without realizing or acknowledging that their behavior is unloving.

When expressions of love like affection exists alongside control or criticism, a distorted idea of love can form. This can help explain why someone believes they can criticize, control, or diminish a person they deeply care about—and still call it love.

When love is modeled as commitment no matter the cost, or as something that can only be found through other people rather than within yourself, distorted ideas of love can take root. This can help explain why people push those they care about to be or stay in relationships that are clearly unhealthy or just not the right fit.

When love is modeled as “saving” others from pain, failure, or discomfort, a distorted idea of love is can emerge. This can help explain why someone acts like they don’t believe in the person they care about. For example, discouraging them from pursuing goals, or enabling self-destructive behavior under the guise of protection.

In essence, everyone is operating from some version of an unconsciously formed idea of love. It’s only when we consciously—and curiously—examine how we think about and express love, and who or what taught us those patterns, that we can begin to see the type of love idea (or framework) we hold.

If you’ve ever felt repeated confusion, doubt, anger, sadness, or unworthiness in response to how a family member or romantic partner “loves” you, please know this:

You can begin healing by exploring whether that person truly knows how to love in a healthy way.

This awareness can free you from feeling that you are you unworthy, unlovable, unfree, too much, too difficult, or can’t be, do or have what you want for your life. Breaking free from other people’s distorted ideals of love can lead you back to loving yourself and having relationships that are healthy and feel-good to be in.

TWO SIGNS THAT IT’S LOVE (AND WHEN IT’S NOT)

As you read through the two signs below, consider whether either one feels familiar in your own family or romantic relationship history. Ask yourself, “If I were to look at the relationship as a story over time—with themes–what themes are present and which ones are repeated?”

Equality

True love sees the other as an equal—on the same level. People have different strengths, preferences, roles, and responsibilities, but no one is inherently above or below the other. There is equal value.

People who don’t know how to love in a healthy way often relate to others through a hierarchical—and even hypocritical—way. They see themselves as knowing better or being better than the other person. Or they believe the other person “owes” them simply because of the role or “title” of the other person. This gives rise to unloving behavior like holding the other person in obligation and expectation. Or holding themselves in entitlement. Or criticizing the other person while denying their own faults. They often cross boundaries or demand freedom they don’t extend in return. Yet, the people in these dynamics often claim what they feel is love.

Examples of inequality:

Parents tell their adult children that they “owe” them their time, compliance, or to pursue a certain career, etc., because they are their parents.
Parents are treated as if they “owe” their adult children money or childcare because they are their parent.
One spouse can have platonic relationships, and the other can’t. One is responsible for raising children and the other isn’t.

Examples of equality:

Parents and adult children support each other when they truly want to, and because there is mutual respect.
Both partners contribute to the relationship and to child raising in ways that reflect fairness, care, and shared responsibility. Both have the right to time alone or with friends.

If you are not treated with the same rights, freedoms, dignity, or respect as the other person, then the relationship lacks equality—and may be operating from a distorted idea of love.

Freedom

People who know how to love allow the other person to be who they are. Individuality is respected. This does not mean that they like every choice the other person makes. It means they do not take steps to control, diminish, or emotionally manipulate the other person, even if they don’t like their choices.

People operating on a distorted idea of love can cross boundaries, give threats, judge, shame, undermine confidence, or imply the other person is incapable when they don’t agree with the other person’s authentic choices. Yet again, they may use the word love in their actions or vocabulary.

Examples of lack of freedom:

Parents who disagree with their adult child’s desired career or love choice and say that if they follow through with it, they won’t speak to them or that they will fail.
A partner who wants alone time, time to do their hobby, or pursue a passion project, is treated like they don’t love their partner, or that their needs and dreams are silly or unimportant.

Examples of freedom:

Parents who disagree with their adult child’s desired career or love choice still recognize them as a free agent of their own life and support them anyway.
A partner accepts that the other person wants their own time, even if at times, that means spending less time together. If values begin to no longer align, the response is an honest discussion, not an attempt to control, guilt, or diminish.

If you don’t feel free to make your own choices about what you’re okay and not okay with, or live by your personal values or goals—because your choices are ignored, attacked, or diminished, then you are not being treated as a free agent of your own life.

And when “love” is used inside that dynamic, it often points to a distorted idea of love.

It’s important to remember that people who hold distorted ideas of love genuinely believe they are being loving even when it means inequality and lack of freedom. They may truly believe that control is care, criticism is protection, obligation is loyalty, possession is devotion, self-sacrifice at any cost is proof of love. So they justify these unloving behaviors as being done “out of love”. This means there isn’t always conscious malicious intent.

However, unloving behavior without malicious intent still does not make it healthy, acceptable, or right for you.

You’re allowed to grow and stand for real love, no matter what someone else calls it.

WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW

If your relationship with a partner or family member seems to be operating through inequality or lack of freedom, begin by getting honest about how it really lands with you. Do you feel less than, obligated? or indebted? Do you feel like you are not free to be your authentic self? Do you feel afraid to make your own choices? Do you feel anxious about saying no—or even saying yes to what you want? If the answer is yes, then you can do something about it:

#1: Educate yourself on healthy love.

Learn what healthy love actually looks and feels like so you can recognize it more clearly. Look to trusted experts. Talk to a therapist or coach. Read books grounded in research, emotional healing, and lived experience around healthy love, boundaries, self-worth and relational healing.

#2: Focus on what healthy love would look and feel like in the relationship.

Bring your attention back to the energy, values, and reality of healthy love. What would it look like in this relationship? What would it feel like in your body? What would be different?

Hold that vision and see what happens. Sometimes this makes the issue clearer. It may reveal that a change is needed. It might make change more inevitable. For example, a falling out, a breakup, stronger boundaries, a redefinition of the relationship, or a conversation that leads to a healthier dynamic or a mutual ending.

I’ve seen all of these outcomes. Sometimes the relationship improves because one or both people become more willing to grow. There may be less judgment, more openness, and more space.

Other times, clarity reveals that the relationship cannot continue in the same form. Both are valuable truths.

#3: Communicate what you feel and need.

If it feels safe and appropriate, tell the other person how the dynamic lands with you. If you feel unequal and unfree, communicate this feeling to them. Communicate what you want and need in the relationship going forward. See how they respond—because it will give you the information you need to make an informed and authentic decision. It will show you whether they can hear your truth and are willing to grow. That information can help you make an informed, self-honoring decision about what comes next.

Gillian Shields 4/4/26 Gillian Shields 4/4/26

Is Your Family Member Difficult and Unhealthy—or Are You Overreacting?

We all can be difficult or overreact from time to time. But not everyone responds to differences, individuality, or relationship challenges in ways that are damaging or toxic. Let’s talk about how to know the difference—and what you can do now to support your growth.

‍People annoy each other in every family.

There are disagreements, misunderstandings, personality clashes, and the struggle to understand each other. But does that automatically mean someone in your family is difficult, unhealthy, or toxic?

‍The phrase “toxic family” is everywhere—on social media, in self-help books, and in conversations between patients and therapists, clients and coaches, best friends, and strangers on the internet. But what does it really mean?

‍How can you tell if someone in your family is truly difficult and engaging in toxic behavior—or if you’re overreacting? Why can it be so hard to tell what’s really going on? And what can you do to feel more clear, grounded, and empowered, no matter what?

‍Let’s get into it.

WHAT DIFFICULT AND TOXIC PEOPLE DO

‍Difficult people tend to avoid growth, hold rigid points of view, dismiss the needs of people that matter to them, and react negatively to healthy boundaries or authentic individuality.

‍For example, when you want to move to a city you love, live your own life, say no to what you’re not okay with, or ask for privacy, a difficult person may respond as if you’ve threatened them. Their response might show up as aggression, dismissiveness, guilt-tripping, ignorance, self-pity, or emotional shutdown. Difficult people might also expect others to accommodate their unresolved traumas, emotional pain, or mental health struggles—often by complaining, blaming, or repeatedly talking about how they’ve been wronged—without taking consistent, real steps to heal, grow, or create change in their own lives.

‍The way they habitually deal with emotional discomforts—and what they perceive as threats to their sense of self and belief systems—damages trust, safety, and connection in relationships.

‍This can look like:

Criticism
Denial or rewriting facts
Blaming others
Controlling behavior
Emotional manipulation
Avoidance
Chronic defensiveness
Refusal to take responsibility

‍For someone operating from a difficult or toxic mindset, there is always something or someone else causing the problem. But, like all of us, they are still making their own choices.

‍Difficult people can have varying levels of these behaviors and responses. Sometimes the pattern is chronic and shows up across multiple life areas and relationships, including family, work, friendships, romantic relationships, and even with strangers. That can cross into “toxic” territory.

‍Other times, the pattern may be more situational but still consistent—triggered by unresolved trauma, stress, or a deep personal pain point. For example, someone may become especially reactive during family conflict, around issues of control, or when a life circumstance activates their insecurities.

‍But either way, one thing remains true: when a person is difficult or toxic as a pattern, it’s not really about the other person. It’s about how they deal with their own emotions, beliefs, wounds, and internal world. And when people don’t deal with their side of the street in a healthy way, they can only think and act from the unhealthy place they live in themselves.

‍

THE MISCONCEPTION

‍One of the biggest misconceptions about difficult or toxic people is that they are always mean, rude, overbearing, or abusive. This misconception can create confusion when you’re trying to figure out whether you’re dealing with someone who is chronically difficult or an emotionally and psychologically unwell person—or simply someone having a bad day or hard season, but who still has self-awareness and a willingness to grow.

‍Toxic and difficult people can be warm and friendly. They can act lovingly or affectionately, especially when the people and situations around them are the way they want. Or, when they are trying to get their needs and wants met.

‍For example, a family member could treat you nicely when:

‍You’re making choices they approve of (career, relationships, etc.)
Your life looks the way they think it “should”
They want money, help, a favor, or access to you
They want to smooth things over after a conflict without actually addressing what happened

‍They may even act lovingly after doing something hurtful. I’ve seen parents harshly criticize adult children for making a self-honoring choice—only to turn around hours later and offer a hug, a gift, or a shopping trip for an upcoming birthday. And then the cycle repeats.

‍To the person on the receiving end, these mixed signals can be deeply confusing. It can lead the person to:

‍Deny what happened
Minimize harmful behavior
Tolerate things that aren’t okay with them
Question their own perception
Struggle to tell the difference between love and control, or care and harm

‍It can also teach the person causing harm that their behavior is acceptable because there are no real consequences or shifts. And that’s part of why this can be so hard to untangle.

‍It’s also important to acknowledge that there isn’t always conscious intent to cause harm. In fact, many toxic or difficult people truly do not believe they are being difficult, critical, manipulative, controlling, or damaging relationships. They may not believe their behavior is “that bad” at all. They may even believe they are doing the right things.

‍Often, what’s driving the behavior is: denial as a self-protection, lack of self-awareness, emotional immaturity, unresolved trauma, long-standing conditioning, or fear of vulnerability or loss of control. However, none of this excuses harmful behavior. But it does help explain why someone can be causing real damage while still seeing themselves as justified, loving, or “just being honest.”

No matter what someone’s intention is, you are not at the mercy of their choices and actions. You are your own individual and you have choices, too.

‍ ‍

THE MOST RELEVANT FACTOR ‍

It’s helpful to observe the repeated traits and behaviours of the family member who feels toxic or difficult. Doing that can give you clues about where they are within themselves and help you decide what your next best step might be. But as I’ve come to understand through my own healing journey—and as many psychotherapeutic frameworks suggest—the most relevant factor is often this: What impact is this relationship having on you?

‍A toxic family dynamic often translates into a noticeable impact on your emotional well-being, self-concept, and life patterns.

‍You may notice struggles that feel deeply familiar—almost like “just who you are” or things that feel “like you” or that you’ve repeated throughout life—but are actually connected to relationship harm or long-standing conditioning.

‍For example:

‍Difficulty making decisions
Low confidence or chronic self-doubt
Trouble accessing peace
Anxiety, depression, or underlying anger
Emotional burnout and exhaustion
Chaotic or unhealthy relationships
Trouble reaching personal goals
Fear of being fully yourself
Over-explaining, over-functioning, or people-pleasing

‍At the more extreme end, these patterns can contribute to addiction or serious mental health struggles.

‍But life can change through intentional and personal growth work. I’ve seen it in others. I’ve done it myself.

‍

ARE YOU OVERREACTING?

‍If you’ve felt deeply angry, hurt, confused, or sad about who your family is being—or about something they’ve said or done—then the question “Am I overreacting?” (and the self-doubt fueling it) has likely crossed your mind. Or maybe someone in your family has suggested or said, that you are overreacting.

‍So, are you though? It’s actually a worthwhile question to explore and go there with yourself, because the answer can help you grow either way.

‍One of the clearest ways to tell whether your response to a family member’s actions or words is rooted in facts or fueled by overreaction is to listen closely to your own narrative of the situation.

‍Ask yourself: How do I describe what happened to myself? How do I describe it to others? What’s my synopsis of the situation? Am I being honest about all of it—including my part, if I have one?

‍People who overreact often twist the facts in ways that protect their ego or position. They leave out parts of the story that releases them from fault or from holding a role. Sometimes this is consciously intentional. Other times, it’s an unconscious defense mechanism meant to avoid accountability, guilt, shame, and vulnerability.

‍For example, someone may be outraged that their sibling walked away from a conversation—while leaving out that they were name-calling, belittling, intimidating, or being aggressive in the conversation. They deny it or make their behavior irrelevant. Sometimes people insert events into their story that never actually happened. I’ve seen both these omissions and insertions.

‍Naming the facts about what really happened—even if it’s only to yourself at first—is not overreacting, even if some toxic people try to make it seem that way. Sometimes it’s your entire family that denies facts just to keep the peace and avoid facing a long-standing issue (avoid what they fear). If this is your family, that’s their choice. You have your own choices too.

‍And if your path is healing and growth, then truly naming what happened, and what is happening, is the key. Because diminishing, minimizing, and ignoring what you know to be true is not peace. It’s tolerance.

‍ ‍

WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW

‍If you have a strong sense that you’re dealing with difficult or toxic family members, you can accept them for where they are and move forward with growth.

‍That may look like:

‍Stronger boundaries around your time, space, and emotional energy
Being more intentional about what you share
Reducing access where needed
Stopping the habit of trying to get understanding from people committed to misunderstanding you
Shifting from “Why are they like this?” to “What is my healthiest next move?”

‍It can also look like adopting a transformational mindset—one where you begin to see family not as the force that determines, runs, or ruins your life, but as one of the catalysts for your growth. If you haven’t had clear conversations with them about what is and isn’t okay with you, then you might want to do that.

‍However, if you already know those conversations only lead to attacks, denial, blame, or emotional chaos, then I personally believe in simply moving forward with your boundaries and choices rather than continuing to seek change through more discussion.

‍Most importantly, growth happens when you use your power and courage to build a healthy and joyful life of your own—no matter who your family is and how they choose to handle their discomforts.

‍Whether you think you’ve overreacted or not, a powerful step forward is to take some time with yourself and write out the honest narrative of your situation.

‍Not the polished version. Not the family-approved version. Not the version that protects everyone else. The honest one.

‍Then give yourself compassion—whether that compassion is needed because you’re upset about the facts, because you’ve noticed you’ve overreacted, or because both are true at once.

‍We all want our family to love us well. We all want them to take responsibility for their pain instead of passing it on. We all have the capacity to overreact when we are afraid. We’re scared that we are not enough and not strong enough. We’re scared of being vulnerable and misunderstood. We’re scared of changing and growing. Maybe we think we can’t grow. We’re scared that we won’t be seen or heard and that our experience will be diminished or dismissed.

‍But here’s the thing: you can survive the temporary discomfort of being honest. And you can survive what you fear honesty might bring. Because on the other side of honesty is freedom.